Monday, 29 September 2014

Stomaching My Body

I've had issues with my body for many years. It's not even close to the most shocking thing about me and it's not unique to me either as many people have struggles with their body. It's no surprise that I do considering I spent my formative years being bullied relentlessly. There were many reasons for that but appearence was definitely in there. Anything you could bully someone for, I was bullied for. I was made to feel incredibly ugly and unattractive. I was just starting to heal some of those wounds and move past it when I was raped.

After I was raped I wanted to hide myself away not just by hiding in my bedroom but by concealing my body. I wore baggier things unless I was roped into wearing something more revealing. This only got worse post-miscarriage. I rarely wore make-up, dresses were scary and more critically I felt like the ugliest piece of shit that roamed the Earth. I still do. If I get told I'm attractive, I question why. I wonder what their ulterior motive is or whether they're trying to force me into something I don't want to do. Hell, the man who raped me spent weeks trying to get me to get with him despite my persistent refusals. What would make me think that anyone telling me I'm attractive is at all genuine? Because I sure as hell didn't believe it myself.

This has started to change. A chain of recent events have started to make me feel that maybe, just maybe, I'm not the ugliest thing in the world. I have the ability to be attractive and I believe in it. I've started to explore myself and my body which hasn't always been easy whilst enduring various medical tests for various medical problems.

One of the stickiest issues is showing off my abdomen area. I have a few issues with bloating and my weight due to having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's made me insanely self-conscious even in the most intimate of settings and that only got worse after I had experienced pregnancy then the miscarriage. I had to confront it head-on when I went swimming recently. I didn't have a swimming costume and a friend very kindly lent me a bikini that just about fitted. I haven't worn a bikini in years, I felt scared to wonder out into a public arena in a bikini, my stomach out for show. I did it. I felt good not just from the exercise but from conquering and proudly wondering out in a challenging outfit. Sure, I could definitely get toned and get fit but hell it's a start.

Bikini selfie costs a few seconds. Body pride = Priceless

I even felt confident enough the next day to immediately reach for a dress, make myself look nice and wear a lot of jewellery. Why? Because I can if I want to. Does anyone else get to tell me what to wear? Nope.

Lots and love and solidarity <3 XXX

No comments:

Post a Comment